An Elven Spark

At some point I slept. Then I got up and walked some more. I repeated this pattern until I came to a bridge. It stretched over a ravine with a raging river below. On the other side was a chain of dismal mountains, and on my side, an elf.

He was dressed in ivy and had that 'resembles a movie star that you can't quite name' look. I approached slowly and held my hand up in what I hoped seemed a friendly greeting.

He held his hand up as well, with the fingers splayed strangely apart.

Oh no. A gang sign. He's probably with their version of the Crips or something.

"Greetings," he finally said. "Come. I will ask three questions. Answer correctly and I'll give you a talisman and allow you to pass."

"Go ahead," I said, bracing myself. "I'm ready."

"What is your name?"

"Easy. Crotalus."

"Very well, Easy Crotalus, what is your quest?"

"To find Gollumita, defeat her, and take the One-Key Ring."

"And now," he said, arching one eyebrow. "Regarding Colubrids, specifically those of the genus Heterodon, what prey make up the bulk of their diet?"

I thought for a moment. "Are you talking about platirhinos, nasicus, or simus?"

"Uh...I uh..." He looked over at the chasm apprehensively. "Uh...all three, of course."

"Well," I said. "Nasicus and simus prey mainly on rodents and lizards. But platirhinos prefer toads, since they have immunity to the toxins."

He lowered his brow. "Fascinating. And how do you know so much about hognose snakes?"

"Wikipedia, dude. So, do you have a prize for me?"

"Indeed." He reached somewhere inside his ivy clothing and pulled out a plastic utensil. "A spark," he said, offering it to me.



I looked at it dubiously. "Dude, that's a spork."

He frowned. "No, I am Spork. This is my invention, and I call it a 'spark'."

"Sorry, but Colonel Sanders beat you to it. That's a spork there in your hand, mister uh...Spork. It's a combination of a fork and a spoon, hence the name."

He shook his head. "If this were indeed a combination of a fork and a spoon, it would be called a 'foon'. Do not try to argue, logic is on my side."

"So you're giving me a foon?"

"No, I'm giving you a spork...I mean a spark!" He seemed to be flustered and trying hard to hide it. "Spork's sparks, they are known far and wide throughout Fair-to-middling Earth."

I give up. I took out my pouch and opened it.

He dropped the thing in.

"Thanks," I said.

Putting up the gang sign again, he said, "Laugh long and perspire, Easy Crotalus." He stepped aside to allow me to pass.

I headed toward the mountains.