First stop: Hiram's

The first place we stopped was ubiquitous to say the least. Or the most. I couldn't be sure, since I didn't remember exactly what the word meant. All I really knew was that I was thirsty.

Thankfully, so was Cletus. "Need me a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster." And so we turned toward a dilapidated tobacco barn. I was reluctant to go in, since I knew what dilapidated meant.

"Uh, Cletus," I said. "This is an old barn. So old it's about to fall over."

"Held up by magic," he said. "Won't fall, not today anyhow."

The door opened and a rotund man in a grey pin-stripe suit beckoned us in.

"Go ahead son, your explanations are in there." Cletus gave me a small push, then followed me in and closed the door behind us.

The place was larger on the inside than on the outside. There was a long bar above which a neon sign proclaimed 'Hiram's Top Hops'. Patrons packed the place, dressed in all manner of attire, while a trio of rejects from the renaissance festival sang 'Safety Dance' and strummed mandolins and a banjo.

The rotund man went to a card table and sat in a folding aluminum chair. Cletus and I joined him. As we settled in a tall, darkly clad figure approached. One word came to mind:

Nazgul.

"Name your poison," the figure said, in a whisper that grated like sandpaper rubbed slowly across your teeth.

"Gargle Blaster," said Cletus.

"Same!" blurted the rotund man.

"Uh," I stammered. "...Same?"

"Three draughts of death, coming up," the creature rasped, before floating away.

I turned to Cletus, "Was that a--"

"Nazgul. Yup. Shame they all ended up waitin' tables here. But you know, weren't nobody else in a thousand years gonna hire 'em. Well, except for Hiram, here."

I blinked. "Huh?"

The rotund man extended a hand. "Hiram Howard, Howaya?"


I shook his hand. "Uh, fine."

"Now let's get to what's next. You're our boy, see? And what you gotta do is complete a quest. Yeah, that's it, a quest!" He cracked his fingers and pulled a deck out of his coat pocket. Shuffled the cards and started dealing.

I couldn't figure out the game, since he said nothing as he dealt only to me.

The first card was a joker. Then a king, a queen, a jack; all of diamonds. I thought I was onto a great hand until he turned up an elf with a bad bowl-cut, followed by a dragon, and finally a toad-faced woman. "Uh, I'm not into that Tarot witchcraft stuff," I said.

"This here's not Tarot, it's Torat." Hiram pronounced it 'toe rat'. "Now pipe down and listen up." He pointed to the joker first. "The Jester, see? That's the first one you gotta run down. He'll give you something to help you on your quest. Then the king, the queen, the knave."

"You mean the jack?"

"Is that what they're callin' it now? I knew a knave named Jack once, but this one here, he's Hector."

"Hector?"

"Hector, knave of diamonds. Everybody knows that." Hiram glanced at Cletus. "You sure this is the One?"

"Yup," said Cletus.

The Nazgul floated back to our table. "Your drinks." He moved them from a tray to our table. "Enjoy."

Cletus downed his greedily. Hiram took a long pull. One eye squinted down and he started chomping from one side of his mouth. "N'gahaahhaahh."

I looked at mine, dubious of the green froth and foul vapors rising from it.

"Good-Gargle-Blasters that's a good Gargle Blaster!" Hiram finally said. "Now where was I? Oh yeah, the knave. Find all three of those, they'll help you out. Then you'll be questioned by the elf, answer correct and he'll help too. Then you're gonna have to deal with the dragon, but don't worry, his deals are on the level. Each of these guys'll give you something to help you conquer the power of the One Key Ring. A talisman or key to victory, if you will. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. And after that you should be ready for her." He plopped a meaty finger down on the toad faced woman.

"Gollumita?" I presumed.

"Gollumita," Hiram said. "She's got the One Key Ring, and you're gonna need all nine keys to stop her."

Mentally, I made a quick inventory of all he'd said. "You've only mentioned six people, not counting Gollumita." I looked from Hiram to Cletus. "Unless you guys are giving me something."

Cletus smiled, exposing his brown teeth. He reached in and snatched one out. "Here." He held it out to me.

"Uh, what exactly will I do with that?" I sat there, unwilling to touch it.

"First of all," Hiram said, taking an empty Crown Royal bag from somewhere in his coat. "Put it in here." He held the bag open. Cletus dropped his tooth in. "As for what you'll do with it, you'll know when the time comes."

Hiram passed the bag to me. "From Cletus you got to here, and you got that tooth. I've given you the basics of your quest and this bag. Now get moving. The fate of Fair-to-Middlin' earth hangs in the balance."

He and Cletus stood. I cinched the Crown Royal bag up. "Uh, that's still only eight people. You said there were nine talisman...er, keys."

Hiram smiled. "You can count. Good. You already have the ninth key, in here." He tapped me on the head. "It's the spell that will finally defeat Gollumita and secure the power of the One Key Ring."

"I don't know any spells. Besides, I told you I'm not into witchcraft."

"It aint no incantation," said Cletus. "That's right, I know a few big words. Think of it as a recipe. Or a prayer. A proverb. Something like that. But understand that we can't tell you what it is 'cause we don't know. But rest assured, you know it."

I sighed. "If you don't know it, then how do you know I know it."

"Cause," said Cletus. "You're the One. And the One is the one what knows the spell to undo Gollumita."

"I thought you said it wasn't a spell." I frowned. "Whatever." Then I tied the bag to my belt loop. "So are we ready?"

Cletus shook his head. "Not goin' any further with ya, son. You might see me later, but for now you're on your own."

I turned to Hiram.

He laughed. "I got a speak-easy to run. Speakin' of which, the ingredients to this drink don't come cheap. I'm just a wee bit offended that you didn't even taste it."

"Oh, right. Sorry," I said. I reached down and picked up the drink. Took a tentative sip.

Suddenly my brain felt like it had been smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. I felt myself falling as the world went black.