A Hint of Things to Come

During that first day, Cletus told me that my blog was being updated by hobbits. So I decided to keep a journal of my adventure by using my cell-phone to text everything that happened and send it to them. (Thus, did I recount the previous blog posts. And I trust that henceforth all my texts will find their way to the blog.) Now with that little piece of explanation out of the way, allow me to proceed:

After another day of walking in a silence that was only interrupted by Cletus either spitting or biting off a mouthful of tobacco, he finally spoke up.

"Listen close, boy, what I'm about to tell you might save your skin."

I leaned in, eager to glean even a shred of what this was all about. "I'm listening," I prodded.

"SPF 50. Never settle for less." He guffawed. I'd read about guffawing, but until now had never actually heard it. I wondered how he kept from choking to death on the wad in his cheek.

I gritted my teeth. "Where are we going? If this is going to be like season three of Lost, I'll turn around right now."

He spat. "Settle down, pardner. I'll tell you all you need to know. First thing is the gold that's been pulled outta that mountain and reforged."

"The One Ring," I said.

"Not quite." He took a bite from the leaves in his fist. "The mold for that was destroyed, to keep it from being reforged. But Saw-Run he don't give up easy. He cast that metal again, just used a little different mold this time."

I hadn't expected that. "So what are we dealing with?"

"Well, first let me say that you was chosen 'cause of that blog title you got."

"A key turning?"

"Exactly. I 'spect it makes you an expert on what we're looking for."

"A key. It's the One Key, we're looking for isn't it!" I was getting excited. "We'll have to wrest it from some Gollumish creature and cast it into the fires of--"

"Hold on there, hoss!" he interrupted. "First of all, we aint tossin' it back in there. He'll just fetch it up again. And second of all it aint no key."

"What is it then?"

"A devious instrument of pure evil. Benign in appearance, but deadly just the same. Not a key, but the next best thing. A key ring."

"A key ring?" I was flummoxed. I had read about being flummoxed, but until this moment had never experienced it firsthand. (I can't adequately describe it, other than to say it's kind of like climbing into the back seat of your friend's car and realizing that it's not his car, but the one parked in front of his car. And he and the rest of your buddies are sitting behind you, laughing their butts off.) I said it again, "A key ring??"

"Yeah, but thankfully it truly is the One Key Ring. He couldn't salvage enough gold to remake the other rings."

"Okay." I tried to get used to the idea. The One Key Ring. "And I'm guessing it's not Gollum we're to take it from."

"Now you're catchin' on. It's his second great, great, great, grand cousin twice removed. And she's a girl. Gollumita."

"Gollumita?"

He spat. "Don't hear too good, do ya son?"

I started to turn around. "I think I'll go back to my family and take back my blog."

He grabbed my arm. "Can't. Fair-to-Middlin' Earth needs you."

"Don't you mean Middle Earth?"

He furrowed his bushy brows at me. "Boy that passed with my great great great grandaddy, Gandalf. This here is Fair-to-Middlin' Earth. Not the Middle, not the Last, not the best, but not the worst either. Fair-to-Middlin'. Get yerself a dictionary if you need to."

My head was spinning, but somehow I had become inexplicably curious. Fair-to-Middlin' Earth. Gollumita. The One Key Ring. I was going to get to the bottom of this.

Cletus smiled as I fell in step beside him again.