To be, or not to be...

After about two days of wandering aimlessly, I saw the castle spires. I also saw that I was going to have to start asking directions if I was going to make this a short adventure like Cletus had promised. (I was beginning to have serious misgivings about that guy.)

Soon I found a well trodden road and followed it all the way up to the castle. Once there, a guard standing by the drawbridge beckoned me in. "The King has been expecting you," he said. "One thing, however. Try not to anger His Majesty. He is not known as King Richard the flare-hearted for naught."

I was ushered into a brightly lit throne room. There was the sound of fanfare which sounded suspiciously like the theme from '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Either that or 'Also Sprach Zarathrustra', by Richard Strauss. Then the guard departed and was replaced by a man who introduced himself as the King's Herald. I was led to a long red carpet.

From across the room came a booming voice. "Whom seeketh an audience with mine royal self?"

The King's Herald announced in a loud voice:

"The champion's name is Crotalus, your Highness." The Herald looked me over. "Weighing an estimated 12 and a half stones and hailing from parts unbeknownst. Shall the King at this time, suffer said champion an audience?"

"He may indeed approacheth the throne," bellowed the King.

"Art thou ready?" the Herald asked me.

"Uh, yeah...I guess so," I said.

"Then let us getteth it on!" The Herald nudged me forward. I would walk the rest of the way alone.

Once I stood before the throne, the King looked down at me and said, "To be or not to be...the man. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler of the King to cause his foes to suffer the slinging against the ropes and then the outrageous figure-four leg lock, or to break their arms against the turnbuckles, and by opposing, end them. Or to put them in the sleeper hold. To sleep, perchance to dream."

Since I had no idea what he was saying, I said, "Thank you, your Majesty."

"Now then," he said. "Poseth thine request."

"Right. Uh. I think I was supposed to get something from you." What was it that Stanley had said? Then I remembered. "A King's bright glint. That's it."

He nodded. "Approach and I shall bestow it upon thee."

I stepped up to the throne and held open my pouch. King Richard removed a sequin from his royal robe and dropped it into the Crown Royal bag.

Wow that was easy, I thought. Then, to save myself some time, I said, "And I'm supposed to meet the Queen now, I think."

He frowned. "The Lady of the Woods is the only Queen within three days ride."

"But...uh. I figured the Queen would be married to the King. I mean, that's how it's usually done. Right?"

He laughed. "The Nature Lad is indeed not boundeth in wedlock. Nay, this dragon-flying, gold-inlaid chariot riding, handsome son-of-a-catapult exceedeth the capacity of any one woman to satisfyeth."

Though I didn't understand half of what he'd said, I couldn't supress a brief laugh. "Did you just call yourself the Nature Lad?"

He glared. "The King does not cheweth his cabbageth twiceth!"

"What?" Once again, I was flummoxed.

"Getteth thou to the squareth circleth! I would poundeth upon thine face!"

Then I noticed the Herald had hurried to my side. "Better doeth as he saith."

"But I don't know what he saith...uh, said."

"Do not retaliateth," the Herald warned. "He is, after all, a King."

Just then a wrestling ring slowly emerged from a side wall. King Richard bounded from his throne and took off his robe, flinging it in my face. He then wrapped it around my head and dragged me into the ring.

The first blow came while my head was still covered.

"Dang it, that hurt!" I yelled. Though I'm sure the sound was muffled by the robe. "I give up already!"

He hit me again and took the robe from my head.

"Cometh on, thou foul villain!" He chopped me hard across the chest. "Woooo-eth!"

Wooo-eth? I staggered, but didn't fall. The King smiled and climbed atop a turn-buckle.

I noticed then that, beyond the red carpet, the door to the throne room was still open. I scurried from the ring just as he launched himself at me. As he hit the mat, I ran for the door.

I chanced a look back and heard the Herald ask, "Shouldest we pursueth, Your Majesty?"

"Nay, let him be," King Richard said, standing up again. "He withstoodeth the royal chop and hath proven himself a worthy champion." Then he yelled after me, "Godspeed Crotalus! Godspeed!"

*************

I got to the forest and hid myself. I looked in the bag and then back at the castle in disgust.

All that for a lousy sequin. Man I was gonna have a few things to say to Cletus if I ever saw him again.